Nostalgia

Nostalgia (noun)

 A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.

I never truly understood what it meant to feel nostalgic

I do now. 

I have this unexplainable longing for something that was never really mine to begin with. 

Everything I see and do somehow reminds me of what used to be,

Back to when I was happy.. or at least to what I thought was happiness. 

Its hard to find happiness when you're stuck in the past. 

Its hard being happy when the people you loved so dearly..and still do, are loving someone else.

Its hard to be happy when you don't even know who you are anymore,

when you're constantly trying to recreate the memories, and it just ends up making everything worse.

At nights I used to pray that things would go back to the way they used to be..

But then I realized God doesn't care for what used to be.

Nights are the worst, 

Its the time where your thoughts begin to race.. and then quickly realizing you're in last place. 

Trust me, 

Its not you that I miss..

Its me.

I miss the me I used to be. 

Because for some reason I can't seem to find her anymore. 

Nostalgia.. 

the one thing that keeps me alive..

But the reason why I'm not truly living. 

Hate the Thought of You..

I don't like being alone, because when I'm alone I start to think, and when I start to think, I think of you. And I hate it.

I hate the thought of you. 

I hate knowing that as I lay here, yet another sleepless night because I can't seem to get you off my mind..

and knowing that you're probably asleep, probably happy, and probably not thinking about me.. 

It kills me, and you don't even seem to care. 

It was a Sunday night, when you came and broke my heart. You said "we can still be friends" and my whole world fell apart.

You promised we would still be friends, and it would all be okay. You promised we would still do things every day, and so I waited.. 

and waited..

but you never seemed to call. And now I just lay here, staring at the wall. 

I know I should move on, and that you're not worth the wait. But for some reason my heart wont let you go. And I still have hope that you'll wake up and realize your mistake.

But I'm wrong..

I still sit in my room, and just when I finally feel like I've gotten over you, the song came over the radio and I knew it was too good to be true. 

Every song reminds me of you, and I can almost hear your voice singing the tune..

I wonder if you think about me, about us..

and if you stare up at your ceiling and have the same sleepless nights too.

You are my late night thoughts, and my morning and afternoon..

Oh how I wish..
I wish I could forget the thought of you. 

Not a Writer..

I made a blog and then shortly realized I do not know how or what to write.

I have realized that I am not a writer, but I wish I was. I want to influence people.

I want people to read my posts and feel something, and to be moved by the words I write.

I've realized I don't know how to do that, and maybe its because I'm too scared to open up,

scared of becoming vulnerable.. which if funny since I'm not even writing under my own name, so what on

earth do I have to be scared about?

..But I guess this is a start, a step to getting out of my comfort zone, a way for me to express my feelings,

and hopefully someone else will read this and be able to relate to them too.



       Wish me luck as I set out to find my Paris...