You are the Reason.

Your eyes are a brilliant blue

and I swear every time I look I can see forever.

I see you in every happy moment

and I wait for you in every terrible one.

I see your laugh and I can hear your smile.

They say you know truth by the way that it feels,
and this feels real.

But sometimes I wonder if you can feel me the way I feel you.

Its not something physical but its in every other way possible.

Its in the way you say my name.

You say my name and for a moment the 

world seems to stop spinning.

I breath in your every laugh and exhale your every sorrow.

I've fallen in love with you in every way imaginable. 

And each time falling further and further. 

I know this is love. 

At least I hope this is love.

Because every time I try to tell myself its not

I seem to fall deeper. 

And I hope that one day you'll be there to catch me 

and I'll end up in your arms

for forever.

You are the reason I am living. 

..I hope that someday I can be yours.

This is the end...

Its finally here
It's no longer months but just days that hold us together.
The day everyone else seems to be looking forward to is the day
I have dreaded the most.

Graduation..

In approximately 6 days 150 hours 9015 minutes and 540918 seconds

 I lose my best friends.

And the thing I hate the most is that its completely and entirely out of my control..
as I sit through another year of high school, I'll be doing it alone.
Watching as my friends enter the real world and leave me behind
without a second glance.

Tonight I've finally come to terms with the fact that it's going to happen.
That no matter how hard I try and pretend it wont,
that I'm going to end up sitting in a room filled with thousands
and watch as they each receive their diplomas.
A room filled with laughter and excitement..
but all I'll hear is my own muffled sobs.

I've replayed the memories in my mind
reread the hundreds of texts
and looked through countless videos and pictures
hoping that it'll make me feel better..
but it never does.

Goodbyes are never easy..
and pretending they aren't going to happen
is even worse.

High School is filled with goodbyes.
They say that it's part of growing up..
And I guess they're right.
And maybe that's why I'm so scared of growing up.

I'm scared of the unknown, I'm scared to be forgotten.
I don't want to be just another memory..
Just another girl you used to know.
I don't want you to remove me from your life.

Maybe that's what I'm most afraid of..
not so much of growing up
but of being forgotten.

Scared that once you remove your cap and gown
that you'll also be removing me.
Scared that I'll turn into just a faint memory
of what used to be.

The words
"Haven't seen you since High School"
haunt me in my sleep
Echoing throughout my mind like
a bad dream.

I'm scared that 10 years from now we'll bump
into each other walking through the grocery store
and you pretend you don't remember me and
everything we've been through.

I hope we don't have to wait 10 years before
I ever see you again.

I know I can't force myself into your life,
and I pray I don't have to.
I pray you'll stay apart of mine because
all I want is to be apart of yours.

I hope you remember that I was the girl that was always there for you..
The one that knew the words to every song and we would sing them together.

Remember me as the girl you would call
when things went wrong
The girl who would sit in your
parked car and just talk..
or laugh

...or cry.

Remember me as the girl who was afraid,
afraid to lose you.

Because 372 days from now
it'll be my turn.
And as I walk with diploma in hand
I'll be alone with only memories racing
through my mind.

And right before I pull off my cap and gown
you'll be the first I think of.

I pray you remember me.

I pray you never forget me.

And I pray that this isn't the end.

Nostalgia

Nostalgia (noun)

 A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.

I never truly understood what it meant to feel nostalgic

I do now. 

I have this unexplainable longing for something that was never really mine to begin with. 

Everything I see and do somehow reminds me of what used to be,

Back to when I was happy.. or at least to what I thought was happiness. 

Its hard to find happiness when you're stuck in the past. 

Its hard being happy when the people you loved so dearly..and still do, are loving someone else.

Its hard to be happy when you don't even know who you are anymore,

when you're constantly trying to recreate the memories, and it just ends up making everything worse.

At nights I used to pray that things would go back to the way they used to be..

But then I realized God doesn't care for what used to be.

Nights are the worst, 

Its the time where your thoughts begin to race.. and then quickly realizing you're in last place. 

Trust me, 

Its not you that I miss..

Its me.

I miss the me I used to be. 

Because for some reason I can't seem to find her anymore. 

Nostalgia.. 

the one thing that keeps me alive..

But the reason why I'm not truly living. 

Hate the Thought of You..

I don't like being alone, because when I'm alone I start to think, and when I start to think, I think of you. And I hate it.

I hate the thought of you. 

I hate knowing that as I lay here, yet another sleepless night because I can't seem to get you off my mind..

and knowing that you're probably asleep, probably happy, and probably not thinking about me.. 

It kills me, and you don't even seem to care. 

It was a Sunday night, when you came and broke my heart. You said "we can still be friends" and my whole world fell apart.

You promised we would still be friends, and it would all be okay. You promised we would still do things every day, and so I waited.. 

and waited..

but you never seemed to call. And now I just lay here, staring at the wall. 

I know I should move on, and that you're not worth the wait. But for some reason my heart wont let you go. And I still have hope that you'll wake up and realize your mistake.

But I'm wrong..

I still sit in my room, and just when I finally feel like I've gotten over you, the song came over the radio and I knew it was too good to be true. 

Every song reminds me of you, and I can almost hear your voice singing the tune..

I wonder if you think about me, about us..

and if you stare up at your ceiling and have the same sleepless nights too.

You are my late night thoughts, and my morning and afternoon..

Oh how I wish..
I wish I could forget the thought of you. 

Not a Writer..

I made a blog and then shortly realized I do not know how or what to write.

I have realized that I am not a writer, but I wish I was. I want to influence people.

I want people to read my posts and feel something, and to be moved by the words I write.

I've realized I don't know how to do that, and maybe its because I'm too scared to open up,

scared of becoming vulnerable.. which if funny since I'm not even writing under my own name, so what on

earth do I have to be scared about?

..But I guess this is a start, a step to getting out of my comfort zone, a way for me to express my feelings,

and hopefully someone else will read this and be able to relate to them too.



       Wish me luck as I set out to find my Paris...